I was tumbling along today so damned happy. It was, and still is (because now I cant sleep) a long day, but good...and fruitful. I loved this day, until it hit me, again.

There are people that are in need, a lot of them..millions. I was so very happy, and again, it smacked me in the face.. why be happy right now? I should be mourning so much..the fact that I dont have the money to help, the fact that I can only click on a few buttons and possibly give somebody a cup of rice? It seems highly unlikely, and unfair that I, the clown that I am, should be happy while so very many suffer. Everywhere. It starts here, now. Im done today..trying to close my eyes and make it go away. That is about as childish as I could be, isnt it?

I feel that I do what I can, why does it hurt me so badly? Why cant I just know that caring and doing the best that I can is enough? Its not, thats why. I need to go somewhere to help out, I would have to give up the last couple of years rearing my second son..? I cant go, it makes no sense until 2010, maybe..

I need a vessel, I need to get to the needy, I need to stop worrying right now, Ill never find peace...............

Now that I have poured my soul out, for the moment, I just feel so much gratitude for the people that take the time out of their busy lives to give a rat's ass..to show love, and to show caring..it means tons. I can't even begin to define it...but it makes me so warm..and yes, safe.

I normally have nothing to complain about, it's a waste of time, and good energy..but there is never too little time to feel gratitude for the good and wonderful people in my life. Even over the internet. They mean the world to me, and I don't know how I have made it before, there are literally upwards of 50 people that I feel near and dear to, and I didn't want to end the day on a sour note..

The normal kindness that exudes from this place makes me so happy, and uplifts me, that I felt it necessary to just put it out there...after a yucky day, I will end it on a smile, and a thank you..for those who truly do care. You know who you are here.

Much, much  love! Yes, real love. And even more thank you's..

I am hurt. My feelings, my heart...all because I was silly enough to come here and read my mail. There is some hostility brewing and I am unsure why. I tried to reach out...but got my hand slapped, with a mini-lecture. Nothing horrible, and most certainly in the world outside of here, I would laugh it off, but because it was in here, my safe place it really stung.

I come here because of the love, the real love that I feel...and want to share with others. Now, after I have succumbed to this sadness, stupid, maybe? But real. Yes.

I also come here for ideas...ideals, thoughts.. hell, I come here for the beautiful people, good, wonderful, warm people, but feel cold as ice, because somebody felt it necessary to either misunderstand me, or maybe just needed a place to vent. Honestly, I would take it without complaining, but, the words that I read after thinking that I was trying to help were not deserving of the situation. I truly had all good intentions...but you know the saying on that one. Case proven here. I said "what's going on?" and asked some questions, and was told that I was being presumptious. How about letting me know that I was mistaken? Words, as Dryad blogged the other day are huge...they can make your day! Obviously, for every action, there is an equal an opposite reaction. Words can fuck you right up too. I am sure that I am 'weak' today, as far as my emotions, but I didn't need this. Not today.

My first negative, I did tell the person that as well...and if that is how this person is trying to rectify the issues they are having, I wish them luck...but personally, if I had a bone to pick, I wouldn't jab somebody that was sincerely concerned in the ass. But that's me, we are all different, and handle our issues as such.

I needed to get this off of my chest...although, the pain that was induced won't be so easy to let go of, the timing was all wrong, or if that was the intention, was great. Kickin' somebody when they're down has never been a Gaia thing to do, not the zaadsters that I have known, until today.

I won't have a pity party over it. It isn't worth all of that, just thought that I should blog it off..sound off, one two. Look, I don't even feel any better..

If you, you know who you are read this, just know that if hurting somebody is the way that you get your jollys, smile, it has worked.



I hope that I lose this shitty feeling that I have, because there was no reason for it, misunderstanding? A

I am constantly interacting with strangers..I spend the first few minutes just talking/listening..and if there is anything that I feel that would bond us..in any way, I can talk somebody's ear off, and listen as well. So, I guess the long and short of it would be, daily.

I have made some close friends by simply talking to strangers, I have also run myself ragged trying to help some people that have thanked me by doing the proverbial stabbing in the back. The latter being the norm. It will never stop me from talking to, or helping strangers though, even if it's one in a few thousand.

I feel that for that one person that truly needs help, and may not get it if I dont step up because of the people that ruin it for the rest, then I may as well just cash it in now.

And the play "Jesus Christ Superstar" had come out...my sister got the album and I fell in like with it. My son is now going to try out for one of the roles, so I have been hearing the music yet again... I had forgotten how beautiful this song is, and I don't, nor does anybody else need to believe in Jesus Christ as their God...the words are what make it so extraordinary, and her voice of course..

MARY MAGDALENE- Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight.
If we try, we'll get by, so forget all about us tonight
APOSTLES' WIVES- Everythings alright, yes,
everything's alright, yes.
MARY MAGDALENE- Sleep and I shall soothe
you, calm you, and anoint you...
Myrrh for your hot forehead, oh.
Then you'll feel
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And it's cool, and the ointment's sweet
For the fire in your head and feet.
Close your eyes, close your eyes
And relax, think of nothing tonight.
APOSTLES' WIVES- Everything's alright,
yes, everything's alright, yes.
JUDAS- Woman your fine ointment, brand new and expensive
Could have been saved for the poor.
Why has it been wasted? We could have raised maybe
Three hundred silver pieces or more.
People who are hungry, people who are starving
Matter more than your feet and hair
MARY MAGDALENE- Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight.
If we try, we'll get by, so forget all about us tonight.
APOSTLES' WIVES- Everything's alright,
yes, everything's alright, yes.
JESUS- Surely you're not saying we have the resources
To save the poor from their lot?
There will be poor always, pathetically struggling.
Look at the good things you've got.
Think while you still have me!
Move while you still see me!
You'll be lost, you'll be so so sorry when I'm gone.
MARY MAGDALENE- Sleep and I shall soothe
you, calm you and anoint you...
Myrrh for your hot forehead, oh.
Then you'll feel
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And it's cool and the ointment's sweet
For the fire in your head and feet.
Close your eyes, close your eyes, and
relax... [ improvised ending ]
APOSTLES' WIVES- Everything's alright,
yes, everything's alright, yes.

~Jesus Christ Superstar, the song "Everything's Alright" ...do yourself a favor, if you haven't heard it in a while, or haven't ever heard it, try to. It is so soothing.

Sleepy

Excited

Empowered

Aside from the obvious world peace, the end of world hunger, and children being able to actually  BE children...this may sound lame.

But, I sort of wish that we could go back to the Barter system...to exchange something that somebody else needs, for something you have, in exchange for say...potatos. I have felt this way since I learned of it in grade school. I don't know (aside from politically) why things had to change, it was perfect. Nobody had to worry, cuz somebody was always making, or could make something that you need, and you could do whatever in return. What a silly shame to have stopped that.

I know it isn't the biggest of all issues, but when the finances are so, so bad...it is my wish for right now. The beginning of this post are my truest and most heartfelt wishes though.

Thanks for giving me something to ponder, as usual Siona! :)


Hugs, love and kisses, and of course, much peace..

Karen/shewolf

But I told somebody that they had a fantastic idea, which was to blog or present 7 things not commonly known about herself. After I had opened my big mouth, and mentioned that everybody should do that same thing, she "tagged" me, or told me that I was anyhow..now all that I have to do is figure out seven things that are truly different than the goofy stuff, ie: I never eat breakfast, although back in the day, I couldn't leave the house w/o a good bfast. Well, that's one, oh, and 1A would be that I could eat while I slept if necessary. I did, I would lay on my side and eat, not healthy, or wise, but I could do it, and well.
Two: I adore kids/babies, always have, always will. If I thought that it would have been wise, I'd have had a whole mess o' them. But, as it is, I am unsure of how great of a mother I am with the 2 that I have, but they are loved and cared for, always have been since I found out I was carrying either.both of them. Also, what kind of right do I have to put more kids in the world while there are so many here already left with the world that our parents, and we have messed up for them? (enough on that, I digress)
Three: I am a chameleon when it comes to accents, United States anyhow, also applies to moods.
Four: I am going to be 48, but cant act older than somewhere in my late 20's or early 30's..it bores me, but I will be as responsible as I have to be.
Five: I am the happiest when cuddled up on my couch, with my two sons and my husband watching television, or talking, or whatever. The boys, my son, are too big, or feel to big anyhow normally, but I still feel a warmth when thinking about those times.
Six: I really, really don't like mean people. I mean, I know that nobody in their right mind would...but bullies, and the like are just one thing that can make me so angry (rare) that I can see red and want to bully back. (even if I dont know the person being bullied)
Seven: I am pretty happy in Colorado, although, I was raised in California, and I miss it with my soul. I hope to return someday, and maybe retire there, because in any of the 10 states that I have either visited or lived in, I was searching for things that reminded me of my home.

I do know that this list was slightly lame, and not as good as I could have done, but I also know that had I not procrastinated, I would not be making this excuse, and by the way, pushed myself to the limit by finally getting this much done. (four hours sleep and so tired)As the next few weeks go by, I will honestly try to better my list. There are certainly a few that are up to par, the others are mediocre at best.

Huge hugs to anybody that takes the time, and apologies if I failed you...you know who. I will get choo back!

G'Night, and peace!

My very first best friend, I grew up with her from the age of 6 to 15...I was a year older, so I entered High School and she was still in middle school. I sorta started being not as good a friend, that's for sure...but as I got a bit older..I missed her like crazy. As it turned out, I found out that she moved to Hemit (Hemmit?) California, and as hard as I tried, I never could find her. Still havent...we went through our parents divorcing (before it was popular) and basically all of the firsts when growing up as a young girl.

I miss her like crazy. I do so wish that I could find her.

BTW-I would have said my first true love, but I ended up finding him, and pretty much all of the other people that have meant so much to mem and have put pieces of themselves in my heart. AND...if this was referring to the people that have passed away, my father would trump Heather, the girl. I would also say my estranged son, but he isn't ready for that yet..

I not only survived a very difficult amount of drug years, and the horrible company that I kept, but had two beautiful boys and found a man that I am truly madly in love with.


My dream was a true blue family....I got every single blessing.dream.wish, and then some..


Yay!


Peace and Love wishes to all...